It's Still Better

Have I told you lately that I do not miss corporate America?

Did some more training on the boat today. I guess I failed to mention one major thing yesterday that would have illustrated, much better, just why the driving of the boat was so tricky. The area we drive the boats are called canals. Those canals are probably as wide as the boat is long. Imagine trying to turn a boat from one direction a complete 180 to be facing the opposite direction in a water way the width of the boat and with only about two boat lengths in distance.

Now, throw in some trees all along the edge that like to overhang, branches sticking out, a huge propeller on the back of your boat that will go off like a bomb if you hit those branches and you have the training course.

This is like trying to maneuver a semi truck down a twisty, turning sidewalk and not hit any buildings or come off the sidewalk. Not exactly the same as learning to drive a boat out on the open waters.

The actual tour isn't like this. Granted, we go down a narrow canal for the first part but it's straight. We then hang a right and get out in to the open glades where we pick up speed and haul ass. The only thing to watch out for out there are stumps or rocks in the mud. On the return, we hang a left back in to the canal but again, it's pretty much straight.

The reason they have us start out doing all the crazy ass maneuvering in the beginning is because we have to be able to dock the boat safely. So that's what we do, over and over and over again. We untie and push off from the dock, pull away, (with other boats in front of and behind the boat so ya don't get to just go straight---the boats are parallel parked just like cars to a curb), go down the canal a bit, turn to the right towards a pond area, go down another canal to the pond and turn the boat around in the pond to come back to the dock.

Let me try to describe it like this: You are driving on the right hand side of the canal. The boats are all docked up, parallel parked, on the left hand side. You have about two boat lengths to get the boat you are driving completely turned around in the opposite direction with the canal being about the width of the boat. That? Is fucking hard. You bang up against the dock, (as I did today..repeatedly), jump down, tie up.

Then you untie, push off and pull the boat out to repeat the process. Again and again and again. Remember, no reverse, no brakes you have only the stick that controls the rudders and the gas pedal. You also have your on/off switch. But turning the boat off doesn't make it stop moving.

Oh and did I mention the wind? Yah, that plays a factor in how you will turn each day. Every day is different and even people who have been there 10 years still crash their boats in to the trees sometimes.

This is WAY different than your average pleasure boat. Those? Are fucking easy. I've driven them before. The airboats? Fun as shit but man....it's not the easiest thing in the world.

I did ok today. There was no wind at all so I did not have a repeat of yesterday's stellar performance. I crashed in to some trees a couple of times and I banged in to the other boats a couple of times and I hit the dock a little harder than I wanted to twice....but overall, I did pretty damn good considering this was the second day of me driving an airboat that I've never driven before ever.

And again, this is so much better than some stupid, ugly cube selling cruises to people who don't appreciate the fact that they can even afford to go on a cruise.

SO. Much better.

Early To Bed, Early To Rise

Does not make one feel more rested. And the jury is still out on that "wise" bit.

Dudes...I can't remember the last time I was this exhausted. Maybe when I was in the military...but back then, I was 18, 19, 20 years old. Now I'm a bit older than that and man...I'm fricken tired.

This job is kicking my ass. And I love every single minute of it.

I had actually received the phone call about this Chaturbate job on June 28th but I didn't recognize the number, I didn't have a lot of minutes on my phone left, I didn't get a message so I never called that number back. I thought it was a wrong number and I didn't want to waste minutes on that. He called again the day I wrote about it and I did get the job anyway but I could have been doing this about two weeks longer than I have been.

So far, I'm doing pretty well, I think. Granted, the parking/docking of the air boats is NOT easy--remember, we have to parallel park them coming from the opposite direction in a canal that is not very wide with no reverse and no brakes. Can be difficult. I'm getting my turns down a LOT better but I'm still a little off when it comes to docking...I still wait just a little too late. But, again, I've never done this before and I've only been at it less than a week.

The guys tell me I'm too quiet. That's usually how I am until I get to know someone. Another girl who started at the same time as me, (one week earlier), is too loud. She's trying too hard to fit in and is misunderstanding what it is to be a girl in a "guy's world". She's going to talk herself right out of a job, I think. At first I thought it was just me and that maybe I'm just not good with female co-workers but it's not just me. The past three days I've heard all the guy drivers talking about how much she annoys the crap out of them, she talks too much, she curses WAY too much, (and these are guys who use "fuck" as a noun, verb and adjective), she is a massive smart ass and she sits on her ass a lot instead of working. Now, she does do some work but it seems only when she is asked and only after complaining about it or making a smart ass comment. She tries to laugh it off as a joke but not many are impressed with her. Still, she docks really well and she can drive the air boats. She's biting at the bit to get started giving her own tours. I don't blame her and I think she is good at driving the boat...I think she just needs to calm the hell down and learn when to be quiet, take some initiative and stop acting like she's known these people her entire life. I know the feeling of wanting to fit in and be chummy...but it takes time.

I also noticed that the boss, Mr. Grumpy Pants, is actually quite funny. He's very mellow and he is very serious about the work and the money and he's not too keen on people sitting around doing nothing...but he throws a good zinger out there once in awhile and smiles. LOT different than the person I met for the interview. I've also noticed that when he's dealing with the other girl, he is quite short with her. I've watched that and waited for him to be short with me if I make a mistake or don't do something exactly right but so far, he has not been that way. He has asked me several times, "So, what do you think?" and I'm afraid he thinks I'm not going to be able to handle it and go scrambling back to corporate America despite how many times I've voiced just how much I hate it.

I work my ass off there. I'm always there to do a task they give me, I don't give them lip, I don't whine about it, I do it. I'm not very good on driving the air boat just yet but I'm getting there. I'm doing a great job with it considering I don't have any experience and it's only been a week but no, I'm not ready to go driving some tour yet. I know this. I have graduated to practicing on my own, though. Drivers have been telling the boss I don't need anyone to go with me; just get out there and learn on my own...but I'm not ready for a tour yet. As far as I know, that's the only thing I'm not 100% on as of this moment. And it's okay that I'm taking this time to learn it because even people who have driven air boats before are made to practice for a couple of weeks before the boss lets them take tours. So, I THINK I'm right on schedule and I'm doing everything correctly or as expected. I don't think I'm falling short anywhere.

I have the day off today after 6 straight days and yah, ok, 6 days is no big deal...I know. That's not a big number. I've done many jobs in my life, I know. But trust me, 6 days out there doing this job? It will kick your ass. I'm not sore...I'm fricken exhausted. Every single muscle in my body is screaming for rest. Unfortunately, I have the other job and yah, it's at home but there have been days that I've been so damn tired and have had a horrible headache from the heat, (no a/c where I work....just giant fans and it's been HOT this week), that I've laid in my bed while working on the lap top. No, I don't mean sitting in bed, I mean LAYING in bed..on my side, head on pillow while working on Jasminelive stream on my laptop. You see? I'm fucking devoted.

Friday, though, I couldn't do the second job no matter how much you paid me. I came home and passed out early. Last night I did the same thing. I didn't even have the energy to bathe when I got home. I had just enough energy to throw on my pajamas and crawl in to bed. I couldn't even get up to put my nightguard in when I realized I hadn't put that in yet. I got home around 6pm. I was asleep by 7pm and I did not wake up until 6:30 this morning.

EX. HAUSTED!

So. After all this talk about the job, a friend is going to apply there today--I think they would fit right in. I called the boss this morning to ask if he was still accepting applications and he said, "I have a pretty full staff right now...but I don't think everyone I just hired is going to work out, if you know what I mean."

I hope to GOD he is not talking about me. I said, "Yah, I know", thinking about the girl who everyone says talks too much and is annoying them. It's sad if that is who he is talking about because again, I think she'll give great tours but the girl is messing up with her mouth and sitting on her ass too much. If he's talking about me? If I lose this job? I'm going to be pissed. I work my ass off. I sweat 10 gallons of water a day. I am always right there, whenever they turn around and need me to do something. I'm learning the air boat and doing well considering my experience level and short amount of time doing it. I'm always on time, every single day. I don't request any special schedule, (except my birthday), I have nothing that conflicts with this job, I even THANKED the boss for hiring me, (I've never thanked a boss in my life...and I meant every word of it), I take initiative and find work to do....yah, acclimating to the constant heat has been rough. The boss has conversed with me about that telling me he understands. I didn't complain, said not a word but he saw me rubbing the side of my head one time and asked if I had a headache. I told him, "Oh yah, it's just from the heat...I'll get used to it." He replied that yes, it can take awhile to get used to it after sitting in an office with freezing a/c temps and then told me to stop drinking ice cold beverages--that actually makes it worse. Drink beverages that are somewhat cold or room temp. I did that and the next day? No headache.

But I worry. I always worry that I'm fucking up somehow. Maybe I'm doing something or not doing something..maybe I AM too quiet, maybe that bothers people and they're not telling me. Maybe I SUCK at driving the air boat but they're not telling me. I always worry about things like this. The more I like something, the more I worry it will be taken away. No jokes about it. It's something that I've done all my life...it's a learned behavior from when I was small and I cannot seem to kick it. The better something is, the more I worry it will go away. Now, sometimes, I worry it right out of my life...hell, I think I've done that recently, but it does not make me stop doing it. When I care that much about something, I go in to full on fear mode. "Don't fuck this up! Do NOT fuck this up!" And I do everything I can to make sure I don't fuck it up to the point that sometimes people misread it as needy or clingy, (when it comes to relationships), or 'always under foot' when it comes to a job or whatever.

Some people think it's a self esteem issue. It has nothing to do with my self esteem. I KNOW I kick ass. I know I'm awesome. I know I'm a great person and funny and smart and pretty cool all around. I know I have a great work ethic and I know I do the job right. It doesn't stop the worrying. That's not something that can be easily explained away from your basic Psychology 101. It's something deep rooted in me from my early days. Yes, of course, 9 times out of 10 I realize I had nothing to worry about and I eventually calm down but until I reach that point? I worry. Worry, worry, worry. When it comes to work? It tends to go in my favor because I work that much harder. When it comes to relationships? It tends to screw me right out of a good relationship. Whatever. It's there, it's who I am, it's part of my character. It doesn't make me less of a person. It just means I worry too much. Duh. So what?

But seriously, I hope he's not talking about me.

Because I LOVE this job. Someone said in comments earlier that if you find a job you like or love, you'll never work another day in your life. And you know what? That is the damn truth. I have worked my ass off over the past 6 days and I have two days off now...and you know what? I'm kind of bummed that I'm NOT working today! I need the rest, I seriously need the rest...but I actually wish I was out there again today.

I've NEVER said that about a single job in my entire life.

So, let's hope to GOD he's not talking about me. Okay? And let's hope the friend gets that job, too. (Especially if he's not replacing me. His wife thinks it would be funny if that happened. I don't believe that would be funny in the slightest. Ironic? Sure. Funny? Absolutely not.)

And now I have to go back to bed before I collapse. I got up to write this out...you see what I do for you? Now leave me alone...I need sleep.

Sleep. Hahahahaha! I crack myself up. Or I'm cracking up...I'm too tired to know anymore. How foolish I was to think I'd get sleep today. I have another job, remember? And that means I have a meeting today that will last a couple of hours and I have more work thrown at me today. Sleep. Excuse me, I need to roll around on the floor while holding my sides and laughing at my naive self.

It's all part of the plan. I have goals. I have to sacrifice....I sacrifice sleep this time around. Last time it was my happiness..this time it's that glorious rest. All for the ultimate goal.

Oh well, I'll have plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead, right?

Someone kill me!

Hey Suess America

Dudes. I almost had the worst night of my life.

There I was, out in my backyard, enjoying the peace and tranquility, working on my work at home IT job...let the cat in the backyard to sniff around and chase lizards. It got really dark but still I worked because this is my main job...even though the other one takes more of my time, this job, the work at home job is where I try to focus most of my energy. Because I am that dedicated. And I really like it. And I don't want to lose it.

I remember looking up to see where she was one last time and she was sitting in the grass, enjoying herself. So I resumed working.

Then I started IMing the boss about a certain task.....got so totally focused on it that I forgot to watch the cat. (This is a problem with me...I get SO focused on what I'm doing that I hear nothing, see nothing, respond to nothing...it has upset co-workers and bosses in the past because they took it personally and thought I was ignoring them or didn't like them...seriously, I can get THAT focused and be completely unaware of my surroundings....Hell, I've done that on jasmin live dates! I get so focused on the person I'm with that time flies and I am unaware of what is going on around me.....it's not always a good thing.)

I looked up after a bit and realized..........um...where's my cat?

I freaked. I totally freaked. I would be a mess...lost without this cat. I would die.

I searched and searched, couldn't even think straight to remember where my flashlight is, (on a shelf just inside the house), went to the landlord's house, asked the son for a flashlight, (didn't have one), asked to go through their back yard, (the son said yes), searched and searched.

Then I saw a tail going under the house.

UNDER the house.

Where 8 legged freaks live. That will touch me. And bite me and make my life a living horrific hell.

But I was so intent on getting her that I said, "Fuck those assholes with 8 legs..I'll KILL them and still get my cat..you fucking bastards...touch me, BREATH in my general direction and you DIE! I'm not fucking around here!"

And I crawled under the house.

And I eventually got my kitty back.

She is now safe, inside, meowing at me...the INDIGNITY she is suffering, she states.

TOUGH.

SHIT.

CAT!

That was the worst half an hour of my life. I have her back. She is inside. She is safe.

And all is right with the world again.

And I need a major hard drink.

OY!

As if to illustrate my point, there I was, writing this entry, (still outside), and had just clicked "publish" and was going to my site to check for spelling and grammatical errors....again, SO. FOCUSED! My landlord managed to open the gate to my yard, walk up to my deck and was one step behind me when she said, "hey how are you?" I Screamed!

I'm not a screamer. I do not scream hardly ever. But I was THAT focused on the entry talking about how focused I get that it scared the living shit out of me and I screamed, yelled, "Jesus...FUCK!" and then finally caught myself.

Too funny.

Of course, she then proceeded to tell me how last night, she went to her work, (not far from here--10 minute walk), and confronted a robber. She had gone in to the business, saw rooms ransacked, called her oldest son down, he came with a baseball bat, (boy needs a gun I tell you), and they looked outside as they were trying to lock a door, saw the robber just on the other side of the door, enticing them, asking them to come get him with motions of his hands! "Come get me" he beckoned.

FINALLY the police arrived but the robber had gone. She said that the police think they know who it is from the video survelliance...and they say they are sure it's the same guy who is wanted for muder.

DUDES! Tha hell!?!!?

She is going to appear on the 11 o'clock news AND she is giving me a photo of the guy and I tell you, if I see him? Oh...he's going to be very sorry.

But for now, I'm locking my door..something I don't normally do...and I'm closing the gate all the way..something else I don't normally do. But now I'm going to do it until Mr. Murdering/Robber asshole is caught.

And that? Just didn't help my already high tense, strung night.

Dudes....she is lucky. Thank GOD nothing happened to her or her son.

Yep....with the money I'm making...screw buying myself a laptop first....the FIRST thing I'm buying is my Walther P99. That mother fucker....does he realize my rights in the state of FL? God bless Jeb Bush. I can shoot that cock sucker if I feel my life is in danger and I don't have to go to jail for it.

Trust me....I will. If I feel my life is in danger? If some little bitch wants to try to break in to MY house? He's going to LOSE his life. I'm not shooting for the legs...if you've been around long enough, you know my shot groupings. That little bitch is going down.

And I will NOT feel bad about it. Baseball bats my aching ass. You threaten me..you threaten my life? You lose yours.

Oh yes, I know some out there will want to debate that...no! I learned, a LONG time ago, when I was in the military, that I CAN shoot someone. I had been in the military for about a year and a half. I didn't realize how well trained I had become until we were sitting in the dayroom one day. I had always wondered if I COULD kill someone who tried to kill me. Would I be able to do it? I didn't know. Until that day...we were watching "Hamburger Hill". In one particular scene, our side kept getting shot and killed, over and over and over. And I got pissed. I wanted to jump in to that movie and kill the Viet Cong to make them stop killing our guys.

And that's when I realized, you bet your ass I could kill someone if they were trying to kill me or someone I know at that moment. NO problems. There is no debate about it. The libs can cry and piss their pants all they want....they will never change my mind on that.

My life or some scum sucking pig's life? Friends, it ain't gonna be mine. Capice?

Power Back

Ok, I just had to take some time there and step away from you all and think about so much and it was a little hard at times...but I'm coming back now. Just needed that time to myself.

And right now I have about 20 seconds until that huge storm cloud reaches me and it's flying at me at like 100mph and that's kind of scary but also incredibly thrilling.....ever try to outrun a storm cloud with a lot of idiot drivers in your way? Yah.

But I'm inside now and I will watch this storm with fear and excitement and I will gain my strength back because I'm telling you, I don't know what it is about thunder and lightning storms. There's a sense of comfort I get with a storm and there's an enormous amount of energy I get with a storm. It's almost like they are a life source for me...as silly as that sounds...but they are.

It's coming really fast and I'll let you in on how much of a weather dork I am...right now, I'm sitting here thinking I really need to turn everything off and hide under the covers because it's scary but I'm also laughing because it's scary and I LOVE THAT! (Especially when the crack of lightning hits very close to you as it did just now.)

Sigh. It was a rough couple of days. I'm not sad I lost that particular job. I'm not sad I was let go from corporate America. I'm relieved. But I do wonder, "Welp. Now what are ya gonna do?" And so many have such hope and faith in me and sometimes I think, "Why do they have that? I don't know..maybe this time I'm not going to make it...." It's a lovely feeling.

I've been mostly sad about something else that I just don't think will go away any time soon but I'll find a way to live on despite of that as well.

Now, excuse me, I need to enjoy this storm.