It's Still Better

I've written about this particular topic before and I got mixed responses. Some people understood exactly what I was saying and others fought me tooth and nail on it. I've passed on this wisdom to people throughout my life and more often than not, people fight me on it instantly rather than sit back and think about the words and what they mean. Every once in awhile I come across someone who understands exactly what I'm saying although admitting it's very, very hard.

Yes, it is very hard. I have never claimed to get it right every single time in every single situation. I try hard as hell though. Additionally, it took me a number of years before I actually got it. When I first heard it, I thought the woman was insane, a pessimist, so, so very wrong. Her words would float around in my mind periodically and for years I still thought she was way off. I thought, "This is a woman who has given up."

But then one day I woke up from a sleep. I wasn't dreaming about her words, I wasn't even dreaming about her. I simply woke up and the second I opened my eyes, the proverbial light bulb went on and I instantly understood what the hell the lady was trying to tell me. Putting it into action is hard because we have been brought up to do the opposite....but it saves so much pain if we would all just be quiet for a minute, THINK about what these words are saying and eventually understand them.

So, again, I tell you: When I was approximately 25 years old, I was on the phone with the mother figure and she said something to me that I have never forgotten and something that has made a huge impact on my life and how I deal with people. She said:

"Never expect anything from anybody."

Let's comprehend that I'm not saying it's your fault someone didn't show up, I AM saying how you react to that, how you feel about that IS on you and you alone.

Stay with me here because I know this is hard for us to grasp........you hope they take you out for your birthday, you hope and trust that they will show up when they said they will, you hope they will call when they said they would but if they don't, all you know is that they don't. But you get all worked up and upset because they didn't. Far too many times we are way too upset before we ever speak to the person to inquire what is going on. "Hey, you said you were going to do this and you didn't. What happened?" Allow them to explain if you don't understand. It's disrespectful to THINK you know why the other person did or did not do something or said or did not say something. You don't know why, so you ask. Is it fair to you or the other person to get bent out of shape without giving them the opportunity to explain why they did or didn't do something or why they said or didn't say something? Sometimes? That person has a really good explanation. Sometimes, things come up. If you misunderstand what someone is saying, ask them! Maybe they didn't mean it the way you thought they meant it. Is it fair to you and the other person to assume what they meant and allow it to upset you instead of asking them what they meant? Ask them what they meant. Allow them to tell you what they meant. You now make the choice based on their answer if you will accept that and continue on or if you will not accept that answer and release them from your life.

But if you expect people to do things, expcet them to act a certain way or expect them to say things...in essence, you are trying to control them.

Many like to argue with me on this about marriage. "Well, I expect my husband never to cheat on me!!! Of course I have the right to expect things from him! Not doing so devalues me as a person!"

Expecting is another word for controlling. When you go through life expecting things....controlling things....THAT is when you are devaluing yourself. When you learn that you can only control yourself, your actions, your feelings and your thoughts...then you have added great value to yourself.

I decided to write about this again because it was something I brought up recently although it's not directed at any one person. It is something that has made my life a lot easier. AGAIN, I'm don't always get it right 100% of the time. Yes, there are times I forget this lesson and I get bent out of shape too. Hell, the way I act on the road is a prime example of precisely when I forget this lesson. But when it comes to dealing with people.....people that I know, people I give a damn about....I am actually pretty darn good at it these days.

Some people out there might think that makes me a push over. Not in the least. While others are out there running around talking about how this person is a such an asshole and how that person did them wrong and getting really angry and upset, I'm not. Of course I get hurt..I'm human. But I don't get hurt over the small stuff like I see so many others going through.

Let me tell you another secret behind the meaning of these words and maybe then you'll see how they do actually add value to yourself as a person: